Standing On My Head

A Perspective on The Journey

2011-05-22T10:59:00.000-04:00

Warning: If you adhere to the popular statements about and from transgender folks, you may not want to read this. You may well find offensive comments within. On the other hand, if you’re interested in new viewpoints, possibly heretical, that may illuminate some elephants in the room, then please read on.

First off, please know that I am a transsexual woman. I have not had GRS, and have no plans to do so. I and my wife are very happily married, and have stayed together through this transition. I went full time in August, 2009, after facial feminization surgery. We have both been very active in the community for the last 5 years, and she has served on the board of our local group for the last 2 ½ years with me.

Some may say that by not having GRS, I’m not a true transsexual. Others say I wouldn’t really understand unless I was on the other side of that “divide”. Some might say that, without that final surgery, I’m “only” a crossdresser, regardless of what other surgeries or hormone treatments I might have experienced. These are some of the things I want to talk about in this essay.

There are a number of, well, shall we say, social phenomenon that I and others have seen and discussed in the trans community for awhile, and I would like to discuss these. Please realize these are my own, possibly heretic, opinions. I’ve shared these opinions with some, and I’m putting these opinions out in a broader arena, because I would like to see discussion. I realize there are some folks whose minds I will not change. There may be others who find some value, if not in my comments, then perhaps in the discussions. That said, here we go.

There are several things I want to talk about, and as you read, I hope you’ll see how they fit together.

Languaging and Requests

Regardless of what our native language is, we seem to be able to learn to speak, and yet have difficulty communicating at times. While I was in acupuncture school with Susan, they spent a fair bit of time essentially teaching us to rethink how we spoke and used language. Here’s one example that is very relevant to the trans community.

As you read the two following quotes, I want you to feel how they land in your stomach – how they hit you in the gut. Read them carefully, and re-read them to see how they feel different in your gut:

“I need surgery”

“I have a strong desire for surgery”

Most folks say that the first phrase comes across as an absolute, the second comes across as leaving more room for discussion and negotiation. My flashlight NEEDS batteries, without it, it is useless. Now, some trans folks will say that’s exactly how they feel, and I won’t argue with them. My point is about languaging, not the validity or intensity of their feelings. I’ve been there, I know those feelings too.

If we’re in a relationship when we start to consider transitioning, we have to realize that it’s not a person transitioning, it could be the whole relationship. That’s often what we’d like – many of us love our spouses, and yet can’t find a way to keep the relationships together. This is where languaging techniques can help. How we state things impacts how our statements are received, and we can close down discussions and negotiations without even meaning to.

It also becomes a matter of priorities. For myself, and many others I know, transition was not an exercise in pulling the spouse to the final destination, rather, it was a negotiations on how far could we go and still have a healthy, meaningful, and trusting relationship. It’s a question of priorities, and clearly communicating those priorities to your partner. There is a huge difference between “I need to transition and I want you to stay with me” versus “I have a strong desire to transition, however, my priority is keeping us together, and I’m asking what you’d be comfortable with”. The point is that how we talk, how we phrase our words, can be very crucial, and we have to be on guard against unintentionally closing down conversations, and eliminating the room for negotiations that we may want.

I also want to acknowledge that there are a lot of our relationships that would not have, or will not survive transition, or even the discussion, no matter how we language it. My first marriage had a lot of other problems, and wasn’t healthy in a lot of ways. My transsexuality was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. However, I hope we’re seeing more people considering staying together, and so this discussion is for them.

The following bit illuminates how what we say, and how we choose to say it, may also restrict how we see our own choices.

“I gotta live in Cleveland!”

Many folks transition in a matter of months, maybe 2 years. Others, such as myself, take several years. In our particular case, the time from when the “feelings” re-arose after a long hiatus until I went full time was a bit over 5 years, maybe close to 5 ½. I’ve known other folks to take 8, or even 10 years from when they started hormones to when they went full time (we’ll know for sure when they actually do make full time). Among many, there’s an attitude of “let’s get this over with, so I can get on with the rest of my life”. While I understand this attitude, I think there are a number of disadvantages to this course, and a number of advantages to a much slower pace. Let me explain.

One of the most common post-transition problems that we’ve seen in our friends and acquaintances is loneliness. They are alone. In their transition, they lost relationships with girlfriends or spouses, and perhaps also with their children, parents, and other extended families. The analogy I’m about to present illuminates, I think, one factor that contributes to this problem of loneliness.

This analogy came to me the other day, partially because of the TV show “Hot in Cleveland”, and partially because my son started college at school in Cleveland this year.

Imagine you live in Washington DC (or St. Louis, or Phoenix, or wherever you live now). You see write-ups, friends talk to you, you read stuff on the internet, and you decide “I’d be happy if I lived in Cleveland. In fact, I’ll only be really happy if I live in Cleveland. If I live in Cleveland, I will be truly happy, and able to be myself. And unless I live in Cleveland, I’ll never be truly happy.” So, you hop in your car, and you drive to Cleveland at 150 mph, and you get there. You live there, and guess what? You’re happy.

There’s a phenomenon known in the psychology of consumerism – if you make a big purchase, like a car, then soon after, it turns out that you’re actually happier with your purchase some time after the purchase than when you made it. The hypothesis behind this is that you essentially convince yourself that you made a good decision, because frankly, the opposite is too miserable, and so your mind avoids that. You make yourself happy with your decision.

But here’s the rub: you went so fast, there was no way you could observe what all the points in between looked like. Maybe there were some really nice, I mean REALLY nice places to live, and you never saw them because you had your eyes only on your destination and were going 150 mph.

This line of thought first occurred to me several years ago – we were caught in stop-and-go, 5 mph traffic on the beltway, commuting home from school one day. I started looking around, and saw parks, landscaping , trees, gardens, really beautiful things that I’d never seen before when we were going at normal freeway speeds. And that day, I also had time to look and see a bumper sticker on the car next to us: “If you lived in your heart, you’d be home by now”.

The analogy is this: if we set our sights solely on a distant goal, and work at full speed towards that goal, we never consider any of the intermediate points as truly valid destinations. And some of these destinations may be the points where our spouses could manage to live with us, happily. And maybe we’d be happier there too, because we’ll still have our relationship. But if we decide, in the beginning, that we only have Cleveland as our final spot, well, where is the room for negotiation?

Unintended Peer Pressure

Within the trans community, there is an unspoken (and sometimes overtly spoken) pecking order: crossdressers on the bottom, pre-op folks next, and post-op folks on top. Some examples of how this impacts people, friends of mine, and me:

A member of our local group came up to me one night, and in response to my question, responded, “No, I’m only a crossdresser”. “Only a crossdresser”. Look at the word she chose to use. She was denigrating herself to a lower social strata, to a lower caste. She was implicitly admitting that she wasn’t as good, as worthy, as someone who has transitioned and had surgery. This, to me, is a horrible social situation, and we let it continue. In fact, many of us seem to really believe in it. We look at a country like India, with their caste system, and we say “how can they let something so awful continue!”, and yet we do it to ourselves, to ourselves.

I’ve also heard said that folks feel like they wouldn’t be taken seriously if they don’t have surgery, that they won’t be serious, won’t be “real” transsexuals. I too have felt this pressure, and have had these sentiments expressed to me. One thing that was said to me was “if you have surgery, you can’t go back”. I find it difficult to even imagine going back from where I am now, and my spouse can’t see me doing that either. To think that it’s realistic for someone who’s full time, on hormones for several years, name changed, to go back is just an unrealistic criticism of them for being non-op. Again, the caste system is apparent, where the lower castes are less worthy, their opinions less valuable and less valid, and the speaker’s opinions are less valid, and not worth listening to. Is this equality? Apparently, some feel that some deserve equality more than others.

We have two transgender support groups in town here. One self-designates as a transgender support group, and is intentionally diverse in the spectrum of members, the other is specifically geared towards transsexuals, defined as those whose aim is to get genital surgery. There is a definite and very real social chasm between these two groups, and never the twain shall meet. There are very few folks who attend both. Again, the caste system.

Maybe this is the way of humanity – that a group always needs someone to look down on. I hope not.

And In Conclusion

So, how we language things affects how we think about them, and how others react to what we say. I think it was the historian Shelby Foote who said about Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis (I can’t find the exact quote): “they each made decisions that restricted the options of the other, over and over again, until finally neither had any options left at all.” How we talk about the journey, to each other and to the other people in our lives, impacts what could happen. We may be shutting off avenues to happiness just in how we select words. The words we choose impact not only ourselves, and those close to us, but those who follow us, and all those outside our community as well. If you want to read more on that, try Deborah Tannen’s “You Just Don’t Understand” or any of the other books in that vein.

And our languaging, and our community’s history and culture, have created the impression that there is but one true path. Many will say, oh, that’s not true, and then also say “welcome to the club” when someone has GRS. The implicit belief is that people who travel the full path are in some ways a different club. Maybe this is true, however, the impression this creates on those just entering the community is that only the full journey is valid. And this is a shame, because there isn’t just one path, no single destination, and I believe that many relationships have been ruined because of this one mechanism. And this to me is a real shame, and represents an indirect failure of our community to help our members. We help folks get treatment, we do not help them maintain their relationships.

So, really, the bottom line is this: I believe we need more discussion of the elephant in the room, and more attention paid to helping the transgender relationship, not just the transgender person. We’ve made a lot of progress in legal, civil, and medical rights (yes, I know we have more to do, but it’s a lot better than it was 20 or 30 years ago. Get some perspective.), and now we need to work on one of the other major issues in our community: relationships.

Sad News

2009-11-28T14:34:00.001-05:00

Awhile back, a sportreporter for the LA TImes, Mike Penner, transitioned and became Christine Daniels. Then, something happened, never fully explained, and Christine "detransitioned" back to being Mike Penner. He continued to write for the Times.

Today, he was found dead in his apartment, an apparent suicide, at age 52.

I so feel for Mike/Christine. Searched for peace, I hope she has it now.

Transgender Day of Rememberance

2009-11-20T08:53:00.002-05:00

Transgender Day of Rememberance

Giving thanks to those who have gone before, as they have made our lives easier through their sacrifice.

Paying the debt forward, that we may improve the lives of those who come after us.

How To Make Someone's Day Un-Boring

2009-11-03T10:04:00.001-05:00

Well, I spent much of October changing my name on records. Drivers license, Social Security, credit cards, utility companies, stockbroker, insurance company, and just all those stores you deal with online. Still haven't done them all yet (like Macy's - I almost never go there, and they want me to go in person...).

Well, this morning I realized there was one other place I forgot to change my name -- voter registration.

So, after one other unrelated errand, I realized that, and swung back by the house to get a copy of the court order, and headed off to the polling station with both my drivers licenses (old and new, yes, they let me keep my old one...) and the court order. Sure enough, I was on the rolls under my old name (we all wondered why DMV hadn't updated the list when I got my new DL, but well...). Anyway, they asked me to come back and talk to the marshall of the station, a nice young man, who got on the phone to his supervisors.

He was very polite, and referred to me as maam, and simply referred to my case as a "name change - first and middle name only" to his supervisor. They found my records, and I filled out a new registration form, so it should all be good next time, and I got to vote.

Hopefully, I helped break their boredom... ;-)

All is good. Just took longer than normal.

Happy voting day everyone. Although we're not expecting to have happy returns here in Virginia, at least in the govenor's race.

Southern Comfort 2009

2009-10-01T16:35:00.002-04:00

We went to Southern Comfort Conference last weekend. No, not the drink, the annual transgender conference in Atlanta. Wetlanta. SCC is almost more party than it is conference - several of our friends basically "held court" as they say, in the bar, from Wed - Sat.

Here are some pics...

Status of other transition-related stuff..

I've been back at work for like a month now, and things are going fine. The department wants me to move into management too, take over one of the groups within the department, free up our current group leader to do more business development stuff. For her, I'll do it, although I'm not keen on moving through management. But it's cool that they're considering me for this regardless of transition or not.

Name change: the circuit court website says it takes 3 weeks. I submitted my first set of forms on Aug. 7. The court lost them. I found out on Aug 26, after surgery. Went down and submitted a second set. They found the first set, voided them and mailed them back to me. The law clerk had 10 days to review, she took more than that. The judge apparently signed the court order last Monday, waiting for the papers to go thru final processing and get back to me. Then off to DMV (Dept Motor Vehicles) for a new drivers license, then to Social Insecurity, then everything else should run smoothly after that.

IFGE Conference, April 2010

2009-09-06T20:43:00.001-04:00

Hot news item just in!!
-----------------------

International Foundation for Gender Education

272 Carroll St. NW

Washington, DC 20012

Contact: Andrea von Kaenel

Email: Andrea@IFGE.org

For Public Release

September 6, 2009

IFGE is pleased to announce that it’s 24th annual conference will be held in the Washington DC area for 2010. The IFGE Capital Conference 2010 will run from April 22nd – through April 25th, 2010, at the Hilton Alexandria Mark Center – 5000 Seminary Road, Alexandria, VA. A full schedule of seminars, keynote speakers, events, meals and entertainment is being planned.

A special hotel room rate of $139 per night has been arranged with the Hilton Alexandria Mark Center for the duration of the IFGE Capital Conference 2010. This special rate is well below current room rates for similar hotel properties in the Washington DC area. To receive this special rate, you must call the hotel reservations department directly at 703-845-1010 and request the group rate for “IFGE” – or – use the following special website:

http://www.hilton.com/en/hi/groups/personalized/DCAAHHF-IFGE-20100421/index.jhtml

IFGE is a non-profit advocacy organization founded in 1987, devoted to promoting acceptance for Transgender people everywhere through education. For more information about IFGE’s Capital Conference 2010, please email us at the address above, or visit www.ifge.org/2010.

Here' something interesting I didn't predict...

2009-09-04T17:00:00.002-04:00

Okay, so, I went back to work last Monday, as Jude. I've been coordinating with the company since last November, and this went smoothly, just like pretty much everything else has. Got a new picture badge with my new name first thing that morning, and they changed my email and internal web page by Tuesday morning. very cool. all of that went just fine.

So, work was the last place I showed up as Jude. I had been going to the bank, grocery stores, all over everywhere else ever since surgery (Aug 12), maybe a bit before, so, with work settled, I guess that makes me officially full time.

The only hiccup was that the county circuit court lost my first set of name change papers, so I had to resubmit last week, and so the legal part is a bit behind schedule, but that hasn't caused any severe problems yet.

Had my first therapist session since surgery this afternoon. She was very impressed with the surgery results (okay, will get a pic up), and we talked a lot about how odd it can be to realize you're full time and that you've actually transitioned after all this time.

Now, on all the receipts for years now, she's been putting the DSM code for GID - Gender Identity Disorder. She commented near the end of the session that she has to reconsider whether that's still an appropriate diagnosis now that I'm full time. That perhaps I don't meet the criteria for it anymore. I find that hilarious and amazing at the same time.

First Day At Work

2009-08-31T12:31:00.002-04:00

Okay, well, so,...

Today is my first day at the office as Jude. And I'm about 19 days post FFS. Things have gone very smoothly so far, pretty quietly actually. Got a new photo ID badge first thing, it now says "Jude" instead of my old guy name, and has a new picture of course. The name/pic will be updated on the internal corporate website soon.

Folks are saying I look great, one guy didn't recognize me (but he's only been here a couple of months so that's excusable). I'm being told that it's likely more folks won't recognize me -- I find that hard to believe, but the evidence seems to point that way. Odd.

Have not had a horde of folks dropping by to visit - more like one or two. I think we're all just busy, which is fine. I couldn't take more days at the house, with needy little doggies (who are very lovable, but... ;-)

Rather interesting, I must say. So, this is what post-transition is like.... ;-)

Later gators

Post FFS #1

2009-08-16T14:30:00.001-04:00

Hey,

So, I had facial surgery last Wednesday. Or, should I say, we had it, as it does impact the whole extended family. So, here’s the updates, divided into sections:

What the Doctor did

How It Feels, What It Looks Like

Impacts on Loved Ones & Family.

What the Doctor did
Basically, an enhanced face lift. Starting at the top and working down…
Two small incisions along the hairline, either side of center, to do a brow lift.
Upper eyelids – incisions along the length of each upper eyelid to remove excess, leaves a cleaner look
Lower eyelids – pretty much the same. Lowers are still covered in tape that runs across the upper cheeks.
Facelift: incisions in the sideburn area and behind the ears, pulled the skin back along the entire cheek area. I have staples and incisions in the hair.
Nose: Incisions in the nostrils – to reduce the “bulb” look I had at the end of my nose, make it not so prominent.
Upper lip: Incision along the bottom edge of the nose, to pull the center upper lip upwards – women have a smaller space tween nose and upper lip. Incisions along the outer edge of the upper lip – about ½”, ¾” on each side, pull the upper edge of the lip up, balances the center pull.
Neck: lipo and reduction of the second chin and lots of extra stuff under there. Incision is right behind my chin.

The surgery was 8 am Wednesday morning, and lasted for 6 hours. Sweety took me home at some point that afternoon after they released me from recovery. The swelling set in at some point the next day, and got worse through Friday. It seemed to be a bit better Saturday morning, and is reduced more today (Sunday), which is pretty much the schedule the docs projected.

How It Feels, What It Looks Like
The first day or so, it pretty much sucked. Things are tight, sore, parts don’t move that well. I don’t particularly like how the serious painkiller (Percocet) makes me feel, so I’ve been relying more on Motrin, which seems to actually work pretty well. I seem to be alert for a bit, like an hour, then suddenly I conk out for an hour or so. That’s improving day to day, I seem to be much better on stamina today (Sunday).
I’m putting a bunch of pictures down below. If you don’t like looking at pictures like this, skip, I won’t be offended. Really. I’ve had Sweety taking pictures every day.

Impacts on Loved Ones & Family.
Well, Sweety has had to look at me all day every day. She’s stayed right by my side till Saturday morning, when she went to clinic for a few hours – and she arranged for our friend (and acupuncturist) Beth to come and sit with me for the morning. The kids (my son Tom – 17, and daughter Kate, 21) both came by on Thursday (I think it was Thursday), but didn’t stay long. Kate headed back to college town Saturday and I saw her for a bit before she left, and Tom is back over for a few days. They don’t seem particularly bothered – but I can’t help wondering what it’s like to see one's parent’s face get changed like this. Or one’s partner’s face. I worry about how this will affect family relationships, long term, it’s the kind of thing I wonder about. Worry about too, I guess. On the one hand, they’re all incredible people, and if anyone can handle it, it’s them. On the other hand, I feel like I’m imposing a lot of stuff on them…. They’ve been completely supportive, and I owe them so much. I will care for them the rest of my life, a new life that they’ve helped me achieve.

Help Pass ENDA!

2009-08-06T14:11:00.001-04:00

Hi folks,

This is about the Employee Non Discrimination Act - ENDA for short.

Jillian Wiess, Trangender Workplace Diversity is working to get us to pressure legislators to vote in favor

"Please repost this message: S 1584, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, needs 16 more votes. Here's the math and the contact info you need to pass ENDA: http://bit.ly/r7qrO "

the link will let you see where your local legislators stand. Please tell your folks to help pass this.

Thanks

-Jude

July 16 is Officially "Out Day"! (edit)

2009-07-17T08:39:00.005-04:00

Okay, here’s the report on the day. (This is the story of me coming out at work - this was the culmination of planning with my management/HR since last November, and also I owe lots to my wonderful wife and a ton of good friends who were with me thru this whole thing)

The morning meeting was at 9, it was our department meeting. We had pretty low attendance this time, maybe only a dozen folks out of 30.

They always start with congrats and kudos that folks have achieved over the last 2 months. And Martha, the department head, starts off and calls my name!! (my guy name, but, since the news isn’t out yet, that’s cool) I get a Special Achievement award (nicely framed, and does come with a small $$) I’ve been doing a lot more stuff around the department the last few months (mothering instinct?) And Sheila, my group lead, gets one too! So, that was a really a great start. (and see the ***edit*** at the bottom of this entry)

So, we have a couple of other folks talking technical stuff, and I sneak out to meet my wife Susan and our friend Denise, who is actually also the consultant the company has hired, since Denise is Executive Director of IFGE (www.ifge.org). Along with the division head (Martha’s boss) and Cheryl from HR that I’ve been working with for 7 months.

So, Martha introduces me, and I nervously introduce Susan, our friend Denise (“from an organization to be named later”), and of course the VP and Cheryl. Then I start. “Normally, we keep our personal lives separate from work, however, this is one time when they overlap” and dove right in from there. I’m transsexual, I’m changing in August/September, what the new name will be. A bit more discussion, which I realize I can’t remember at all right now, and we move to Denise, who does a great presentation on the differences between sex, gender and orientation, and the issues involved with trans folk in the workplace.

There were a few questions, like, how did I settle on the name “Judith/Jude”, but very respectful, although a lot of folks were either puzzled or confused. Several folks complemented me on honesty and courage. Many asked whether I wanted to be called Jude immediately – I really hadn’t thought about that part. If they want to, fine, or they can wait till I get back in September.

Right after the meeting, I had an email all set up with my letter. I thought I had it set up to send it to the department folks and friends first, with a second letter set up for the project team I’m supporting (who aren’t in my department). Well, I went up and sent that first letter. Cheryl (HR) was waiting for that, and then did a Reply All and included the letter from the Division Head stating the company’s support and expectations on how I’m to be treated, which was cool.

Several of us then went to lunch – me, Susan, Denise, Cheryl, and about 4 others from the department. It was pretty cool. One fellow had stories of other trans folks he’s known, so all was cool.

We hung out for a bit, then we had the meeting schedule with the project team to tell them. The meeting started, pretty much the younger members of the team, and we covered a lot of technical points and things we as a team have to do, which was cool. I had told them I wanted to talk about some other issues after the technical part. So, time came, I brought the other folks in (Susan, Denise, Cheryl, and another HR person), and broke my news, and they all said “yeah, we know, you sent us the email earlier”. Dar. I had apparently merged the address lists of my 1^st and 2^nd email lists, so had outed myself a couple of hours early. Nobody cared, they took it in stride, all done.

Back to my office with Susan, I checked my email, and had gotten about 12 congrats messages, which I appreciated. One good friend from down the hall (my department) did come by and expressed the sentiment that he did feel like he was losing a friend, and wasn’t sure he could handle it in his own head. I hope we can talk and get him around this, cause he’s a neat guy.

We took off, ended up going out to dinner and hunting for a place to get my other (right side) ear pierced. I’ve had only the left one pierced for quite a while now (3 years? we’ve been working on this longer than that). Finally ended up at Claire’s at Tysons mall, and we were home by 9 pm.

I sent out emails then from the home account to other friends, some neighbors, and my private chef clients. There’s one friend, and I was worried about his reaction. We worked together very closely for about 6, 7 years in the mid 90s and have stayed in touch since then. He’s younger than me, and recently lost his wife to lung cancer, leaving him with the 2 young boys.

Done.

[Story number two: A very good friend, who's on the same path, is in the middle of this whole mess, and came out to her parents yesterday. She'd been very, very worried about it, and Susan and I had recommended she come out to them. She did, they were very accepting, Mom even gave her some of her clothes that didn't fit Mom anymore. I am so glad they accepted her, otherwise, Susan and I sure would've had egg on our faces... ;-)

I talked to our friend that nite, and she officially declared July 16 as "Out Day". So shall it be. ]

Got some responses this morning, including my friend who lost his wife. All good, willing to roll with things, including the private chef clients, which is cool.

Now, to get on with life. Kitchen needs to be cleaned up, and I need to do some cooking. Talk to you all later.

It’s a Beautiful Day!

*** edit ***

this was actually the cool part. So, at the start of the meeting, I get this certificate of Special Achievement or something, and it's made out to "Mike Bienvenu". Thanks, nice to be appreciated and all that. Then I do my part, we talk about all the trans stuff, and then Martha speaks up and says "and actually, I have this other copy of the award with your real name on it", and she hands me a copy of the award and this time it says "Judith Bienvenu".

How cool is that. Frickin' awesome. ;-)

I want to emphasize how much credit is owed to my lovely supportive wife, who has been with me through all of this, helped me maintain sanity and a steady course, and not rush and ruin things. I wish we all had such a coach. And someone who will stay with us and make life really worthwhile. Thanks my love.

I got interviewed at Capital Pride!

2009-07-04T07:55:00.000-04:00

Hi everybody,

Well, our group, TGEA, was at the Capital Pride festival in June (we were also at the Capital Trans Pride the weekend before).

There was this guy wandering around with a cameraman, and asked if he could interview us -- myself and the secretary of our group, Katherine. He finally got the video posted up to YouTube, so, here you go!

I am not happy about his caption - he says he's familiar with LGBT issues, yet he used male pronouns for me. We're sensitive about that kind of thing. I've complained to him already, let's see if he changes it.

I'll post the other one with Katherine soon.

-Jude

Diane Schroer Award Announced!

2009-04-29T12:20:00.001-04:00

Diane won her case, and the award was announced yesterday (28 April). Here's a Washington Post article on it. Not really much detail yet.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/29/AR2009042901568.html?hpid=moreheadlines

Intersex player on the WTA pro tour

2009-04-09T15:07:00.000-04:00

the Advocate.com has a long article about an intersexed/female player who's been approved to play on the women's circuit. Interesting discussions in the article.

"She's Got Game"

Iowa Supreme Court finds for gay marriages!

2009-04-03T13:08:00.000-04:00

The Iowa Supreme Court has decided to strike down a ban on gay marriages in the state, effectively making them legal and with the full rights of hetero marriages! The decision was unanimous!!!

Conversation with my company's HR

2009-03-19T16:00:00.002-04:00

I had a meeting today with one of the high-ups in my company’s Human Resources (HR). I wanted to talk about insurance stuff and policy stuff. Specifically, I wanted to raise 2 issues with him: I wanted the phrase “gender identity and expression” added to the clauses in the non-discrimination policy, and I wanted to get medical expenses covered. Sweety and I were hoping that we could talk the company into covering the expenses of my facial feminization surgery, currently penciled in on our schedule for mid August.

I started with the easy one – “gender identity and expression”. He told me right off that they’re about to launch a new Diversity webpage within the company, and the draft page, which he pulled up on his computer, shows “gender and gender identity” as one of the items on the list along with all the other standard stuff. And they’ll be adding it to all the other appropriate spots in the policies.

They’re also developing a set of guidelines for transitioning employees, their managers and departments. This won’t be actual policy, and I agree I don’t think it needs to be, but it will be official corporate guidelines, and any harassment is covered under the anti-harassment clauses.

So, all that’s pretty good. I’m happy with that resolution.

Next up, insurance coverage, where the big $$$ are.

I made my pitch, that more companies are covering trans medical costs (see HRC’s Corporate Equality Index). Many big companies now cover the whole shebang – Microsoft and IBM and some of the aerospace companies. (My company is in an odd category – we’re called an FFRDC – Federally Funded Research and Development Corporation. We’re a not-for-profit, we’re not government, but we’re not really a private company either. Anyway, we’re not considered an actual part of the Federal government. There are only a handful of FFRDCs around the country. ). I told him that the AMA has come out recommending that all insurance companies should be covering trans-related expenses. Unfortunately, neither the Federal government nor any state government to my knowledge covers trans-related medical stuff yet.

However, this AMA statement is key. This puts the trans stuff in a different category than other “elective” procedures. Insurance routinely doesn’t cover cosmetic surgery, because it’s “elective”. That’s why folks can’t get insurance to pay for new noses or boob jobs. It’s “elective” – you didn’t really need that, you just wanted it. But now (actually, last year), the AMA has come out and clearly moved transgender procedures out of the “elective” category, which is part of recommending that the insurance companies start paying for them. The AMA statement was clearly focused on transgender procedures, so, cosmetic surgery with no trans aspects will still be considered “elective” and excluded from most insurance coverage.

So, he was receptive, and liked the arguments. I asked, we’ll probably be covering these expenses 20 years from now, right? And he agreed. So, I said, we’re just talking about when, aren’t we?

I also made the point that, after August, I’d be willing to serve as a transgender liaison with HR for other folks who are trans in the company. And regardless, I’ll be asking for these benefits every year. He seemed quite okay with that.

Bill has been in HR for a long time, and was apparently behind the proposal to get same-sex couples here covered under company insurance. That apparently went into effect a year or two ago, but it took them 2 or 3 years to get it all the way through corporate levels. Yes, there are conservatives up there, and I guess this stuff bothers them. Eventually, they’ll die off, that’s my theory. The question is whether you can change some of their minds sooner. Maybe yes, maybe no. (Firesign Theater, album: “How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You’re Not Anywhere At All”, story: “The Further Adventures of Nick Danger” – quiz: what character said that line?)

Anyway, I was pretty nervous going in, but I had all my material, printouts I left with Bill, and we got to know one another a bit. Bill is African-American, and understands that there are similarities here in terms of equal rights for a minority. And trans folk are definitely the minority in a minority.

So, it looks like the company won’t be covering my expenses later this year. However, I’m the first person to have brought up the topic of transgender health insurance coverage with the company, and now they’re thinking about it, so, that’s something. Yay me. I’m sure they’ll eventually be covering trans medical expenses, the question is when. And I did get some real progress – they’re adding “gender identity” to the official policy, and pretty soon too.

No, correction: they’ve already added “gender identity” to the official definition of Diversity, and it’s being added into policies very soon. So, we have one more company that recognizes "gender identity" as important.

Enough for one day. I need a glass of wine.

Cheers, everyone
-Jude

We're Back from the Keystone Conference

2009-03-15T16:02:00.000-04:00

Hey folks,

We drove back from Pennsylvania today, we were at the Keystone Conference.

Some trivia:

This is a new conference on the block, the TransCentralPA folks decided they'd put on on, and this was their first go-round, and a job well done.

"Keystone" has nothing to do with the cops from the old b & w movies. For my Australian readers (I know there are at least 2 of you) - most, if not all, American states have some sort of nickname, and Pennsylvania calls themselves the "Keystone State", cause they feel they were crucial in founding America.

We got up there Friday afternoon, and everybody went out to dinner on restaurant row - they'd made reservations for like 16 folks each at 5 different restaurants. Yummy food, and they had a cool little jazz duo playing there, and we were all out on the dance floor and we had the place hopping. Then our friend said we should all go over to this ultra cool little tapas restaurant and bar, so we did, and it was barely 1 room big, we overwhelmed it, so we stood around and got thru one drink then Sweety and I caught the shuttle back to the hotel and crashed.

We were part of a panel discussion at the first session on Saturday morning, 9 am, so I wore one of my new pants suits (navy pinstripe), and we had a good time. Hit another session, and had a great lunch with a wonderful talk by Mara Keisling (she's head of NCTE ). She is a very good leader in trans equal rights, and is very funny, one of the best dry senses of humor I've heard. Very good talk.

Sweety and I actually skipped the early afternoon session and hit the exercise room, then cleaned up for the late afternoon session. Then, back to the room for the fancy clothes, and we had a great reception, dinner, speech by Donna Rose (yes, the TransCentralPA folks got a couple of big hitters for their first time out of the gate, well done girls), and more party. I brought this red dress that a friend gave me (when she had her top enhanced, she couldn't fit in it anymore, and did I ever benefit). Here's a pic of Sweety and me at the Saturday nite party.

Oh, and yes, I did get a haircut Friday morning before we left town. I do like it, it was kinda long and ratty at the ends, however, I'm not sure I can get it to stay in a ponytail for work tomorrow... heh heh. Ooops.

Okay, now here's the amazing part:

Background: Our local group helped host the IFGE conference here in town at the beginning of Feb. (Oh, I just realized, I never posted a good summary of what happened at our local IFGE conference. Okay, will fix that later). So, Sweety is helping with the conference on Sat, while I'm running the registration table. So, she's walking past the meeting rooms, hallway full of folks, and she looks up and sees someone, a guy she recognizes from work, dressed to the nines as a good looking woman, just as this person sees Sweety and recognizes her. Well, other person goes into full panic, cause they're not out and here they've run into someone from work - absolute death, right? And Sweety instantaneously thinks of exactly the right thing to say "It's okay - my husband's trans", and everything is okay. so, that's the IFGE part.

Now, Sat. AM at the Keystone, we're standing there, and this girl walks up, says, "well, it's about time I said hi" and I don't recognize her from any past group, and she holds out her name badge and the first name says "S-----". Okay, so what? Then I see the last name in small print, and go "Oh. My. God." It's a co-worker from about 13 years ago. We were at the same company, just a few doors apart, from like '93 to '98 or so. I went to teach at university for awhile, "he" left with a bunch of others guys and started his own company. Now, "she" saw me Friday nite, I didn't recognize her at all, so she came and really said hello on Saturday morning. In my defense, a) I never knew she was trans, b) he was like 50 lbs heavier (wonderful slimming), and c) he always wore glasses. She's only recently been really dealing with trans-ness, and this was her first big trip out. So, we spend most of the rest of the conference hanging out and trading stories and such. There were only about 60, 65 folks in this office of our company, so, if 2 of us were/are really trans, does that mean the actual percentage in the population is like over 2 % ? or is it higher? More on our new friend later as this new phase of the friendship grows. Oh, and another aspect: we actually played Fantasy Football together for like a decade, well after we both left the company. Really outrageous and amazing.

And,S, if you're reading this, Hi Hon. It was a pleasure and a real honor to make your acquaintance. For real. ;-)

So, IFGE was Sweety's turn to be surprised, and Keystone was apparently my turn. What can happen next?

So, we're back home. It's kinda odd how we're meeting and becoming friends with all these folks who are apparently pretty high up in the trans-activist organizations. One friend, who as far as I knew 3 months ago was just another trans woman, has since been elected to the chair of the IFGE board and is also on the NCTE board. And we know Mara Keisling, and more importantly, she knows us. And we know the leaders of at least 2 local/regional groups, and .. and .. and... the current pres of our local board is stepping down as Pres this June, and there's no one willing to take up her spot. I've been asked. I'm hesitant, cause I'm going full time in Aug/September, with facial feminization surgery in August (and recuperating the rest of Aug), but... we were looking over the rest of the members, and I just don't know who else can do it. And Sweety has talked about taking on the Outreach position - responsible for making sure that someone appropriate shows up to talk to groups who want to learn more about transgender/transsexual stuff. Just don't know right now.

Ah, sigh. I'll welcome comments and suggestions - should I throw my hat in the ring for the job? Whacha'all think?

hugs all around

Jude

Have a Happy Holiday Season

2008-12-25T18:46:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukah, Mele Kalikimaka, Joyeux Noel, Feliz Navidad, whatever,

hope you all have a happy and safe holiday season, and a very good new year.
take care

IFGE Trans Conference, Please Register!

2008-12-13T08:35:00.003-05:00

Please consider coming to IFGE's Transgender conference next February. Registration is open at
http://www.ifge.org/conference
The event will be at the Hilton Mark Center hotel in Alexandria, Virginia (northern Virginia suburb of DC), and you can register for rooms at
http://alexandria.hilton.com
and use the hotel code "IFGE" when you register for our conference discount rate.

Thanks, I do hope to see everyone there, and meet you all. the conference schedule is already full of presentations, so there will be lots of cool stuff to see and do and listen to and participate in.
cheers!

PS: If you have come to IFGE conferences in the past, and have decided to not come to this next one, I'd appreciate a short note as to why. Maybe we can fix something...
judithmiquela6 at gmail dot com thanks much

First Openly Gay Member of Obama's Administration

2008-12-11T12:28:00.002-05:00

Nancy Sutley, a deputy mayor of Los Angeles for energy and environment, will chair the White House Council on Environmental Quality.

Washington post article http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/10/AR2008121003681.html?hpid=topnews

Well, not a really major job, but not bad.

Transgender Traditions in another culture...

2008-12-08T13:41:00.003-05:00

I just found this article in the New York Times.

"A Lifestyle Distinct: The Muxe of Mexico"

It's about a specific area in Mexico, near a town called Juchitan, where males decide they want to live as females, and are termed "muxes". The article mentions that there are references to cross-dressing Aztec priests and a god that was both male and female.

These muxes are apparently celebrated and considered special. There are apparently quite a few different societies or cultures thru the ages that felt there was something special and valuable about transgendered folk.

I've heard several trans-folk that I respect greatly talk about the unique viewpoint that we have on human interactions and society. I do believe it. I would bet that most people are not aware of how they have "bought into" being either a guy or a gal. Do you yourself realize how you let your conceptions of what it means to be male or female, in our society, affect what you do? If those hidden internal assumptions weren't there, how would you act?

Transfolks study the differences between male and female behavior as a matter of survival. If you want to be taken as a woman, and don't learn the mannerisms, you're asking for trouble.

I got interrupted, I had to run an errand, and now I've lost the train of thought....

Oh well. the "+" is about an interesting realization that my therapist helped me with last Friday.

I've always worried that I wanted to be trans for the wrong reason, or my reasons werent valid, or this or that. I was talking about that with her, and she made a key observation: "Most people come in here and they're terribly worried that they ARE transsexual. You're worried that you're NOT!". I remembered then I was having a conversation with another trans person (who runs a meditation center near San Diego), and she commented "you worried whether you're trans enough".

I think I'm worried because I do fear the alternative - if I'm not trans, then I'm a really screwed up guy, and that to me is horrible compared to being what I feel I am - a pretty well adjusted transsexual. I just found that interesting.

Okay, it's too late, we were up till midnite last nite at our trans group's Holiday Gala, and it's time for bed. I'll post some of the pictures tomorrow. We brought our own camera this time, so we don't have to wait for some photographer to get around to mailing us CDs.

talk to you soon

-Jude

PS: got over the "i'm screwed up" phase. Back to "joy of being trans" state. ;-)

Anti "Splenda with Fiber" Rant

2008-12-05T07:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, if you watch tv at all, you've probably seen the ads for this new variation of Splenda (the artificial sweetner) that has 1 gram of fiber in every little envelope. Here's the company page on it

Splenda with fiber

I have a big problem with this, and it has to do with the underlying motivation here.

Okay, I completely realize that a lot of folks don't get enough fiber in their diet. Fruits and vegetables, whole grains. And that lack of fiber in our diets has been implicated in higher risk of colon cancer. So the motivation for some manufacturer of something to say "hey, let's put fiber in our product" is pretty obvious.

But I don't think it's a good idea. For several reasons:

1) The psychological: It leads to this idea that we can substitute artificial, pill, supplement based chemicals for actual food. Read their page - one apple contains like 3 grams of fiber, and their little packet contains 1. Folks need to change their eating habits, not find more supplements to allow them to "be healthy" while subsisting on a diet of twinkies and starbucks.

2) Real vs artificial: i guess it was back when I was a kid (or maybe before), Wonder Bread was advertising this awful stuff - bleached white flour, lots of sugar, over refined and stripped of natural nutrition (then re-loaded with artifical vitamins) "Wonder Bread - builds strong bodies 12 ways". Right. Not compared to whole wheat bread it doesn't. And vitamins -- One-A-Day vitamins. An excuse to continue to not eat right. i am firmly convinced that eating a balanced diet will do things for your nutritional condition that no amount of artificial supplements could do. The supplements may provide the major chemical compounds that have been analyzed so far, but I seriously doubt that we really understand all of the complex chemistry in an apple, and how the thousands of compounds in an apple actually interact with our body chemistry to provide us nutrition.

3) "Expediency" -- in other words, hey, this is easier. It's actually one of the words in the English language that I actually hate. Probably the one I hate most. Not so much the word itself, but what it's come to mean. it means "oh, yeah, I know doing this would be better for me, but doing this other thing is more expedient." yeah, I should eat whole wheat bread, more fresh vegetables and fruits, but it's more expedient to eat the crap that tastes good even though I know it's bad for me. Oh, and I'll pop this pill too, that'll make it alright.

No it wont. I'm sorry to sound like the nasty old lady who lives down the street, but we're not taking this crap seriously enough. It goes into a lot of other areas as well, like our obsession with big trucks and SUVs. Now, I completely understand that a lot of folks do need space, folks who do construction do need pickup trucks. But come up to DC and drive on the roads with me. Come to the Pentagon parking lot. Thousands of folks who have desk jobs at the Pentagon driving Ford F-350s (or only an F-150, you get the point). One of the other archery parents works for one of the mapping agencies, doesnt do any construction or farming, but boy does he love his big red truck. It's an F-350, and it's frickin' huge. He's married with one teenage son, he only got it because he likes it. Is it good for the environment? Does he really need it? No, but he likes it.

I think I'm sounding pretty strict here. Fine. We need to have a stronger sense of responsibility, both towards ourselves and caring for ourselves, and towards our community, and caring for our neighbors. Listening to myself, this almost sounds unAmerican - I'm arguing against "every man/woman for themselves". yes, I am.

We do need stronger and more permeating sense of responsibility to ourselves and our families and our communities.

I'm ticked off today. Watch out.

Registration for IFGE 2009 Is Now Open!

2008-11-24T22:27:00.004-05:00

Registration for IFGE 2009 Is Now Open!

In just a few months, the
International Foundation for Gender Education, with the help of the local group
TGEA, will hold its annual
conference in the Washington, DC area. We are planning for great speakers,
stimulating and useful workshops, entertaining evenings, and lots of networking
and socializing. The conference is for anyone and everyone who is part of,
allied with, or of service to the Transgender Community.

Our headquarters
hotel will be the Hilton Alexandria at Mark Center, just across
the river from the heart of Washington, DC. The room rate for the conference is
just $132 a night, less than half the regular price. Make sure you use the
registration code IFGE when reserving your room. Additional
information about the conference and room availability will be posted here
soon. Meanwhile, you can visit the hotel website .

This is THE only conference this year
sponsored by the IFGE – Don’t be fooled!!

What is an IFGE Conference like?
For a sense of what our annual conference is all about, look over some pages
about our last conference — IFGE 2008 in Tucson, Arizona »

Keith is becoming my hero

2008-11-11T11:18:00.001-05:00

Keith Olberman is getting a record for standing up for morale issues (and against immoral positions) that is earning a lot more than just my respect.

Here is his special commentary from last nite (10 Nov) on his show. It was so emotional and so touching that I had tears of pride that someone would stand up and make such a case on such a national, public forum.

Olbermann: Gay marriage is a question of love
Everyone deserves the same chance at permanence and happiness

take care, everyone.

hugs

Jude

Really Inflammatory Subject Within

2008-11-10T15:01:00.000-05:00

hey there,

(Just for those who don't know me, I'm mid-50's, white, southern background, and a mid-transition MtF.)

Well, I know a lot of us, myself and Sweety included, were disappointed when all the anti-gay-marriage issues failed (from our point of view) last week.

There were several reports on different trans blogs sites about how the black vote was significantly in favor of these amendments. Some of these other bloggers expressed shock, anger, disappointment.

Then, I heard this interview on NPR today with a black lesbian activiitst (Writer Jasmyne Cannick), and how she felt what a poor job the No on Prop 8 folks did in contacting the black community and also in general, how, she charges, the white gay communitydoesn't pay much attention to the black gay community.
Op-Ed: Why Black Voters Didn't Fight Prop. 8

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=96817462

I heard the whole interview (about 20 min or so, I think), and I can really agree with some of the lady's points, but I'm wondering what other folks think. I don't live in California, and so have little real information on what sort of campaigning was done there. Was the No campaign disorganized? Was the No campaign too exclusively white?

Please don't shoot me. Thanks

Detransitioning and Genetic Tests

2008-11-02T19:42:00.000-05:00

Hi all,
Well, unless you track this sort of stuff, you may have missed a couple of interesting stories related to transgender life.

One: You might not have known that, last year, April ‘07, one of the name sports reporters for the LA Times, Mike Penner, came out and publicly declared that she would begin living life as Christine Daniels (“Old Mike, New Christine”). The LA Times was very supportive, she continued to work, posted a blog for a while called “Woman In Progress”. Then, she fell silent around the beginning of this summer.

It was recently revealed that she would be “de-transitioning”, and returning to life and the LA Times as Mike Penner (Bilerico write-up and another here). There has been no real explanation, nor are we owed one. Mike’s life is his own.

Why this is big news in the trans world in a moment. First, the other news story.

Two: Researchers in Australia have evidence of a “transsexual gene”. The researchers found that male-to-female transsexuals were more likely (not guaranteed, just more likely) to have a very interesting long gene. This was hailed by some transsexuals on their blogs as “validating” them. The rationale here is worth talking about a bit.
Now, this is my understanding – I’m no psychologist, I’m just one of the thousands of trans folk out here with access to a computer and some proficiency in speling.
Those of us who consider transitioning, and those that go further and choose to do so, usually worry at some point whether we “need” to do this. Different folks are convinced by their internal state to different degrees. For some, it literally becomes a matter of life and death. For others, it becomes a matter of significantly improving their quality of life. We get comments and criticisisms like “are you nuts?” It can be a difficult path. Many of us have been discriminated against, beaten up, killed, because of our choices. Luckily, I have not had these negative reactions (yet), and I owe this good fortune in no small part to the fact that these others have gone before and sacrificed so that the rest of us will have an easier time. Many non-trans folks (“cis-gendered” as opposed to “transgendered”) see our actions as a “choice”, many trans folk do not see it as a choice, more of a life necessity.
So, if one were to prove that transsexualism (or homosexuality) was “caused” by a gene would make some people feel “validated”. This is exactly the word I’ve seen used. I would guess that in some folks, there is a need for them to say in essence, “see, it’s not my fault! It’s genetic, I can’t help it!”. And, as valid as this may be, it also seems to have an aspect of abrogation of responsibility. The other avenue of argument is that a genetic cause would then be a basis for getting insurance companies to cover transition expenses, as well as additional legal ammunition in defending against discrimination.
So, some folks were really glad to see the transsexual gene research.
Odd Thoughts and Connections:
Now, here’s where my fevered brain starts wondering about a connection. When someone “de-transitions”, there’s a little cold spike that can go thru a trans-person’s heart. It’s like if anyone changes their mind and goes back, it de-ligitimizes the rest of us a bit. I don’t feel that way, but it sure was apparent to me that those thoughts at least ran through folks’ minds.
There has also been an air of almost sadness around this news, and that I don’t understand really. There is the aspect that Mike/Christine has been going through a lot of turmoil. I do hope, as do we all, that he finds a good road for himself, whatever that may be. Although I can see that transitioning and de-transitioning would be extra difficult, the experience would be incredibly unique and his viewpoints might be completely fascinating, should he ever choose to write about them.

So, does de-transitioning invalidate the decisions made by the rest of us? I’m getting the feeling that that is what some folks think. Me, I don’t think so. Our paths are very unique, and some of our paths are, by chance, more complex than others. So be it, respect it, observe it, and don’t judge it. It’s very tricky, actually, for us human beings to simply observe and not judge – we’re so used to jumping from the observation to the “story” (the story we make up in our head about what’s going on that we just observed).

I think a lot of us T folk get very enmeshed with having external justifications. For me, there was a stage of self-acceptance where I didn’t care anymore about the causes. I used to care a lot, I worried a lot about what could have caused this. It was like I couldn’t give myself permission to keep going unless I could find external justification – some outside authority or reason that would make it okay for me to transition.

I don’t think I ever would have found sufficient external justification. So, I would have been forever miserable. As it is, something happened about 3 years ago – if you want my guess, I think the acupuncture treatments on the Spirit/Mind level (as opposed to the Body level) helped in some way. It was a few days after the first ones where I began to realize that I was okay with being trans. It’s developed to being more than okay, I’m prouder of myself now than I’ve ever been in my whole life.

And, I don’t think I’d have achieved this level of self-acceptance had I still been depending on external validation.

So, that’s a hell of a long rant. It was actually written over several days (multiple events interfered, more on that later). If you’ve stayed in this long, wow, well, thank you very much.

Hugs to all
Jude

Ramblings on Transgenderism, Part I

2008-10-14T20:34:00.000-04:00

One of the notes left on a previous entry asked a very good question: why do I want to become a woman? Fair enough question. I’ve been looking over the other folks expressing interests in the transgender topic, and I haven’t seen any other transsexuals at my particular point in the journey – not many of us at all, as far as I can tell. I don’t know how many folks out there have ever talked to a transsexual, or known one, or heard the story, other than maybe on TV. I’d like to lay out my personal beliefs here, and philosophy, and we’ll see what happens.

So, I’ll start with the trite answers and responses and move to the deeper ones (this may take more than one entry).

Let me ask you: if you’re a woman now, why do you want to stay a woman? If you’re a man now, why do you want to stay a man? How many of you answered right away, “because this is what I am.”? What if one of you woke up tomorrow morning and found your body had changed genders on you? How many of you could adjust? How many could be learn to be happy? How many would commit suicide? How many would try to find a way to change back?

(There’ve been several interesting sci-fi stories (and other genres as well) that have experimented with this. The “Lords of the Diamond” series by Jack Chalker, for one (Chalker must be closet TS – sex changing runs all thru the Well World series too). Clive Barker had a great short story/novella that had male-to-female transformations at its core (sorry, I can’t remember the title right now) – what was interesting there was that some folks could stand it, others, the change drove them insane. More on the fiction angle later if I get back to it.)

So, you like being what you are because that’s what you are. Hmm. And you wouldn’t like being what you aren’t because that’s not what you are. Okay. Let’s expand the dimensions a bit:

Are you gay or straight, or somewhere in between? Have you ever wanted to cross the line? Now, regardless of where you might be on that spectrum, you do realize, don’t you, that there are folks all over that spectrum? That no matter how straight you are, there’s probably somebody straighter than you? Or somebody gay-er (is that a word?) than you? By this I only mean someone who might have a harder time crossing over the line to the other side.

So, we’re all on a spectrum with regards to our orientation. I hope I haven’t offended anyone yet (and I am a Zappa fan). Now, what I believe, is that INDEPENDENT of your orientation, there’s some masculine and feminine in everyone of us. There are some very feminine heterosexual males, some very butch lesbians, very femme lesbians, and very masculine gay males. Okay?

(arg. tried to paste in a graphic from powerpoint, and it won't paste. pretend there's a square here, with the bottom edge labeled "Sexual Orientation" going from Straight to Gay, and the left edge labeled "Masculine/Feminine Mix" going from Femme to Macho. And it's tastefully shaded from pink to baby blue {;-o

So, basically, if you’re with me now, then what we’ve agreed to is that there is this “chart”, if you will, that looks like this: There are people scattered all over the square. Aaaaalllllll ooooovvvveeeerrrrr the place. And that’s what makes the world go round. Okay? Still with me? Good.

(Note: I am not making value judgements here, nor should you expect me too. I realize that there are some readers who may think that homosexuality and transgenderism is a bad thing – you should know by now that I do not agree with you. If you continue to read, you may get upset. I am not intending to upset anyone, but I do realize that the views expressed here will not be accepted by all. )

Now, what many of us (transgendered, the doctors involved in this, and our families and friends) have come to realize, is that there’s actually a third axis to this graph, so we get not a square, but a cube. And the third axis is labeled: How comfortable are you with your own body? It is recognized less frequently because, in my opinion, it’s much more rare for folks to be uncomfortable with their birth gender than to be gay or straight, or femme or macho.

What I think I’ve seen talked about on TV most are the birth males who try to be good little boys, even becoming football players or soldiers, and later realize they need to live out the rest of their lives as women to be happy – a Male-to-Female (MTF) transsexual. Many of us got married, sometimes multiple times, had kids, and went till age 30, 40, 50 or later before going thru transition. Some end up dating guys afterwards, others are attracted to women before and after. Basically, the same thing happens to the Female-to-Males – orientation sometimes stays the same through transition, sometimes not. (Please feel free to start dialogues on any of this, if there’s any other TSs out there).

But this isn’t something well regarded by society. We’re still adapting to civil rights for minority races and equal rights for women, for goodness sake. Equal rights for gays is way behind the learning curve. And equal rights for transgenders is behind even that.

Some will say that understanding and communications is part of the problem, and they may be right. So, here you find a long rambling monologue on the subject, out there for anyone to read. However, I sometimes suspect that transgenders will have a hard time longer, for the following evolutionary reason.

Way back when we were cavepeople, we had no social norms, no marriage, and only rudimentary, violent power hierarchies. The old Alpha Male, Alpha Female stuff. Dog packs have it, chimp and other primate groups have it still. And in that environment, if you’re not Alpha something, then it becomes immensely important to your literal survival to know immediately who is coming out of the bushes at you – male or female? Potential competitor or potential sex partner? I think somewhere in the deep recesses of our brains, way lower than the primitive primate brain, maybe way down in the basic reptilian brain stem, we have pattern recognition that takes in the subtle cues and pops back an answer to the higher brain as fast as greased lightning “it’s a guy” or “it’s a girl”. The rest of the brain reacts as appropriate.

But if the signals are confused, and that core brain flashes out “I can’t tell!!!”, then panic hits the higher brain. And too many transgendered folks, specially the MtFs, trigger that confusion. The FtMs that I’ve known seem to have an easier job of it in many ways – it seems easier for them to pass as guys without setting off alarms than it is for a 6 foot, 250 lb former linebacker in a dress with long hair. C’est la guerre.

Anyway, I’ve type 7000 characters and not answered the question, why do I want to be a woman?

I could regale you with stories of how I liked to dress up in dresses and jewelry at the age of 3. And on and on and on. Symptoms out the wazoo (“oh my god, call 911, she’s got symptoms coming out her wazoo…”) But, I’ve realized, that wouldn’t tell you why.

I like my hair long. I want the feel of dangly earrings against my neck. I want the feeling of breasts on my chest, day and nite, clothed and naked, at work or out on a bike ride. I want the different genitals. I want the freedom to wear skirts and all the other variety that women have. I want I want I want (damn, needy whiny little bitch, isn’t she?) I’d want the physical changes even if somebody said I could only have them if I continued to dress like a guy (unsatisfactory, but if that’s the best I could get, I’d take it). When I was a kid, and still believed in the Catholic Church and their version of God, I even offered to become a nun if I would wake up changed the next morning (He never took me up on that deal.) so it’s not just the desire for sex as a woman.

So, in the end, why do I want to be a woman? I don’t know. But I do want it. And I have since I was maybe 3 or 4 years old, although I didn’t consciously realize it till age 10 or so. And it’s been in my mind and heart ever since. Basically every day, with few exceptions.

The question has always been, how happy can I be without doing this? And that is the core of the issue --- it’s a lot of work, and has significant impacts on your loved ones. So, is it worth it? Is the grass really that much greener on the other side? And how high will the costs be? One never knows for sure. One never knows.

Enough for tonite.

Greetings!

2008-10-14T13:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, I seem to have successfully created this blogspot.

A bit about me -- I'm an in-progress male-to-female transsexual, married, 2 kids from previous marriage, and changing careers from engineering to cooking and nutrition. And becoming more active in the trans community as we speak (or, as I write and you read ;-).

My main "diary" is on OpenDiary, which is a great community. I'm starting this one on Blogspot because I think it'll be a bit more visible, which is sort of the point I guess.

Standing On My Head

A Perspective on The Journey

Sad News

Transgender Day of Rememberance

How To Make Someone's Day Un-Boring

Southern Comfort 2009

IFGE Conference, April 2010

Here' something interesting I didn't predict...

First Day At Work

Post FFS #1

Help Pass ENDA!

July 16 is Officially "Out Day"! (**edit**)

I got interviewed at Capital Pride!

Diane Schroer Award Announced!

Intersex player on the WTA pro tour

Iowa Supreme Court finds for gay marriages!

Conversation with my company's HR

We're Back from the Keystone Conference

Have a Happy Holiday Season

IFGE Trans Conference, Please Register!

First Openly Gay Member of Obama's Administration

Transgender Traditions in another culture...

Anti "Splenda with Fiber" Rant

Registration for IFGE 2009 Is Now Open!

Keith is becoming my hero

Really Inflammatory Subject Within

Detransitioning and Genetic Tests

Ramblings on Transgenderism, Part I

Greetings!

July 16 is Officially "Out Day"! (edit)